What is your age and personal family situation?

 

I am a caregiver to my 93 year old mother. She has lived with me (58), my husband of 24 years (53)  (as a matter of fact, today is our anniversary :)), and our 23 year old son.

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When was your loved one diagnosed? 

 

Mom was diagnosed with vascular dementia about ten years ago.

 

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How long have you been a caregiver and how did you end up taking on this role?

 

I am the youngest of three and we all live in the DFW area.  My sister used to live in the same apartment building as Mom and she and I played tag-team in looking after her and our brother would take mom out to lunch most weekends. She eventually wasn't able to cook for herself, so I contacted meals on wheels for her.  In the one month that they were delivering food for her, she only ate one or two meals.  I started cooking meals and storing them in individual containers to put in her freezer - then she forgot how to work the microwave.  I brought her lunch everyday and my sister took care of dinner. We finally accepted that Mom couldn't live on her own any longer and I was the logical person for her to live with - Mom was sometimes critical and rude to my sister and sister-in-law and for some reason, did not act that way with me.  My husband and I started getting our house ready to sell and began looking for a bigger house that would suit all of our needs.  We moved from Oak Cliff to Duncanville three years ago.

 

 

What has been most helpful to you during this time and how? 

 

There have been a number of things that have been helpful - the first few months were terrible for all of us.  I struggled with the anxiety for a short while then visited my doctor.  I realized there's no shame in getting a little pharmaceutical assistance to get through all the chaos involved in living with someone with dementia :).   

 

Friend's Place Adult Daycare has been has been a God send for all of us. After juggling schedules to make sure that we had coverage for Mom during the day when I was working, it was wonderful to find a place where she is safe, happy, fed and engaged! 

 

Teepa Snow's videos have been a tremendous help!  She absolutely changed the way I perceive certain situations with my mom with her Positive Approach Care techniques. I'm planning on attending her upcoming seminar.

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What has been the most challenging part of being a caregiver? 

 

Losing my patience and then the guilt I feel afterwards is such a challenge.  I pray everyday for patience and to treat her with respect and love. I struggle with giving myself a break.  The blessing of taking care of someone with Dementia is the fact that you will have a second chance to make up for any transgressions 15 minutes later :).  

 

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Imagine that you've just met a person who's loved one just received their diagnosis yesterday. They are at Day 1 of this journey. What advice would you give them?

 

Keep your sense of humor.  While this is a tragic disease, if you didn't laugh, you'd be crying all the time!  Mom tells me that she made tortillas for Jesus the last time he was in town, and that Rachel Ray from the Food Network was her best friend in high school.  Actually, she has personally met just about everyone on the Food Network and NCIS!  These lighter moments make it a bit easier to handle the darker ones.

 

Go with the flow - enter their world instead of making them stay in yours.  The best advice I received from a co-worker was to tell Mom that her apartment was being painted when she asks me to take her home.  I tell her I'll take her in the morning and this seems to satisfy her.  When she asks where my dad is - he passed away 20 years ago - I now tell her that he's on a fishing trip with my brother.  I once made the mistake of telling her he had died and then had to watch her go through the grief process again. I have learned to only tell her Daddy has passed away if she asks "David is dead, isn't he?"

 

​Make note cards with the answers to the questions your loved one asks the most.  This saves our sanity when Mom gets caught in the loop of "where do I live, why did I move, are all my things here....etc."  After answering a couple of times, we just say - look at your blue cards - such a sanity saver!!

 

You can do this...It will be both horrible and wonderful, but it is your blessing to be their caregiver.

 

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 Is there anything else you would like to share?

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I'm so thankful and blessed to have a great support system. My son watches mom three days a week, sometimes more,my sister helps out whenever she can and my brother usually gives us a break on Sundays.  When we are having a challenging day, my best friend will stop by with a bottle of wine and will even "Mom-Sit" when needed. Having employers that understand my situation and allow me to have a flexible schedule makes all the difference in the world.